Working and Parenting, or is it Parenting and then Working?

Lily's now two and a half months old, and she's a real joy. She's fully into the stage of socially smiling, and there are few things as rewarding as seeing her smile when I or Regina walks into the room. She tends to unleash those smile bombs when we're at a particular distance from her, so I think her middle distance vision may be strongest at the moment, but it's a truly joyous thing to see. Of course, she also lobs those smiles at shapes, but I just feel privileged to share them with shapes for the time being.

As the semester in full swing, and my prospectus has been so long on the backburner, it's time for me to shift back to work. In many ways, I'm lucky with the stage I'm at in my degree, out of coursework and working mostly on my own, so that I'm able to spend time at home with Lily. This is especially good in that I can take care of Lily most days of the week while Regina goes to work.

                                  

Where I'm trying to figure out a balance, however, is getting my work done while I have Lily at hand. In some ways it's easiest to just stay at home with her, as I don't have to spend time getting her (and the related baby paraphernalia) packed up, not to mention getting her settled once we arrive at whatever location I'm trying to work at. The down side with just working from home, however, is that it's also easier for me to get distracted when she does settle down for a nap. To compensate, I've been trying my hand at working at coffee shops with Lily. 

Working at coffee shops has had mixed results. Often, once I get her settled, fed, and changed, I can actually get some work done. However, this process can take a fair amount of time depending, so I have to do my best to adjust around her. Further, sometimes by the time I get her fully taken care of I just feel tired, which leaves me prone to web surf or seek other distractions (of course, it can be worse at home where I have more outlets for said distraction). All that said, I have been able to get some work done in this environment, I just have to adjust. Beyond the coffee shop, I've also started taking Lily into the office with me for limited engagements. 

I say limited because, thus far, I've only had Lily in when I happened to be passing through, needed to run in to take care of something quickly, or when I was manning the front desk on Friday afternoon, when we functionally had no one come by. Due to the free reign of the office during the last of these, I was able to give Lily some tummy time, which she did quite well for about 12 minutes, until she realized that she thoroughly needed to use the bathroom. She eventually quieted down and, as Lily is usually a pretty chill baby once her necessities are satisfied, and we relaxed through the rest of my shift. 

One of the trickier parts about balancing work and Lily has been managing guilt. As a power user of guilt in many of its forms over the years, I thought I could easily manage it, but it's caught me off guard more than a few times. Most commonly, any time that Lily is active and awake I feel like hey, I should be holding that baby, playing with her, helping her develop. She may be just fine in the swing watching the ceiling fan turn, but I start to feel guilty if she's awake and I'm not trying to stimulate her. I know this is kind of silly, and that she could benefit from time left to her own devices (as long as I am observing nearby), but the pang of guilt is still there. 

Of course, last night I got a new source of guilt. When carrying her around or up the stairs, I have occasionally nudged Lily against something like the wall. It's never been a big deal, and there hasn't even been a mark to show for it. Until last night. Lily was fussing up a storm, likely related to the allergic collitis which has had her more fussy than normal, and as we were at a party I was walking her around outside to try and calm her down. Finally discovering that she had wet her diaper, I was trying to rush back inside to get her changed and, hopefully, calmed down when I bumped her head in the screen door. She of course paused then cried louder, which made me feel all the worse. Once I got her changed and then fed (as she suddenly realized she was in fact hungry) she calmed down drastically and even slept a bit. My guilt, on the other hand, went into overdrive as I discovered a pink mark and small bump on her head! She hasn't even reacted tenderly to it sense, and rationally I know this isn't the end of the world or a demonstration of my lack of fitness as a parent, but I still feel the guilt in waves. 

In the end, Lily has been one of the greatest experiences and joys in my life, but it's going to take a while for me to learn how to rearrange that life, and the guilt I've built throughout it, to fit her in it. I mean, how could I not work hard to do so when we have so much fun?

Bonus: Lily is working her way to becoming an accomplished head banger.